My Own Secret

It is always interesting and funny how the spirit works with each one of us...how it pricks our hearts in our times of need.  My girlfriend and I were going to see a movie tonight with the Colonel's wife as a final "girl's night out" before we leave on Friday and the movie they wanted to see was Emma Smith.  Now for those of you outside of Utah, you have probably never heard of this movie but I would certainly challenge each of you to either purchase it from Deseret Book or find a way to see it.  I was worried and apprehensive about how she would be portrayed and what things they would show from her life and how tastefully they would be shown.  I have to admit to myself as well that I didn't want to go see if for the simple reason that I didn't know if I was in the mood for it.  I feel a bit ashamed because in that instant, I knew that that was the exact reason why I needed to see it.

I have learned some about Emma at church and through discussions I have had of other people but before I saw this movie, I still had no idea of the trials and experiences of this "elect lady."  I am so pensive right now so please excuse me if this comes out as if I am rambling.

Life is certainly not easy and there are times that it would seem impossible.  I have been so worried lately about the strength that I have within myself to endure what might lie ahead.  I worry that I will disappoint, that I will fail, that I will not stand up to be the person that I should have been.  I know that that worry is mostly rooted in the struggles that I am having right now.  I must admit (which is why there are only certain invited readers to this blog) that I have not enjoyed reading my scriptures for some time and have really neglected my scriptures as well as my prayers for some time.  I will not admit to you how long though because it is a bit painful for me.  I know what I need to do to solve this problem but I can't ever seem to break from the mold of continuing to not do them.  I have fasted numerous times and have even prayed for the specific purpose of gaining enough strength to overcome this and yet, to no avail.

There was a time in my life, the summer before Zack left to go to Field Training, that I vividly remember because I was so close to the Lord then.  I read my scriptures for an hour each day.  My study would begin each day with the reading of a General Conference talk and then I would read a lesson from the Teachings of the Prophets manual and then finish with reading my scriptures.  I would just read for 30 minutes and then I would actually pick a topic and study that for 30 minutes.  It took quite a bit of time from my day and sometimes, there was never enough time to be able to both read and study as well as watch a television program at night with my family (since we were living with my parents that summer), or play a game.  I would not have traded that time though!  I have never felt so strengthened and so full of faith.  Please keep in mind that my faith was not perfect but it was strong....much stronger than right now.

I have felt so empty lately.  I feel like I am slipping through the cracks, like I am slipping further and further away.  So, when I said I didn't want to see the movie, I knew it was because I would feel guilty....I could not have been more wrong.

This movie showed me more than ever how real Emma Smith was as a person.  There were moments that even she questioned....Will the suffering ever end?  Has the Lord forsaken us?.....However, the difference in her questions and the difference that has existed in mine within the last while is that hers brought her closer to her Heavenly Father.  Her prayer increased and her study did as well whereas mine has faltered and weakened.  Throughout the movie, I could not help but feel a stirring in my heart telling me that frustration is a part of life.  Emma and Joseph both weeped at their child's passing; Emma cried many times at night when her husband was taken from her; Joseph suffered just as the other saints did in Nauvoo with sickness when they first arrived; Emma bore the burden of having parents that did not understand her husband nor their "religion."  But Emma's moment of triumph was in her ability to find the strength that was hers to take.

Emma said several times throughout the movie that "...strength is not something we already have but it is something that we find....it is something that grows even sometimes day by day." (paraphrase)  She also said that "sometimes fear is so loud in our ears that it drowns out our faith."

My faith has been drowning because my fear of the future, my fear of financial security, my fear of ..... has been too loud OR because I have allowed it to be too loud.  The strength to overcome that fear is something that I must find but I can only find it through the Lord by reading the scriptures and saying my prayers.

I was very blessed this past week to receive a package from mom.  In the package was the book, "The Holy Secret."  I have wanted to get it for the last couple of weeks but haven't been able to.  James Ferrell, its author, first wrote "The Peacegiver," which was one of the most amazing books I have ever read on the Atonement and so naturally, I was excited to read his new one.  When I first started to read the inside cover, since I have no idea what the book was about, I discovered that the Lord had blessed me with one of his "tender mercies."  The book is all about a secret that this man has who is a church-going, priesthood-bearing member of the church; unfortunately, though, he does not enjoy the holy things: scriptures, temple, etc.  I cannot tell you the amount of love I felt from the Lord by allowing my mother to send me such a book.  I am in that place right now.

Now, please do not think that my testimony has been shaken but I have realized that it will be if I do not act soon.  The movie I saw tonight was so wonderful and such another "tender mercy" from the Lord.  I was able to feel the spirit and feel the love that the Lord has for each of us as well as the strength beginning to grow in me even now to begin to change.  I want to be where I once was.  I want to be able to become closer to my Father in Heaven and I want to be able to face the challenges ahead with strength.  I also know that strength is not something that comes without tears.  Sadness is something that can be felt but it should never overwhelm us.  It should never cloud our faith and allow fear to rain down.

I am ready to change....